No One Would Like Them

Last Christmas, after an afternoon sledding and munching on homemade Italian cookies, my niece and goddaughter, Lauren, opened the refrigerator door and said, “Aunt Steph, it’s really a good thing you never had kids.” Poking around for the milk, she added, “No one would have liked them.”

Lounging on the loveseat with my knees bent up to my chest, I laughed.

“Really?” I said. “Is that right?” sipping a glass of red wine.

“Yup,” she poured a glass of milk and turned to place the carton back on the shelf.

I knew why she said this and hearing it put a smile on my face so broad my cheeks hurt.

It was Lauren’s way of saying she didn’t ever want to share me.

She wasn’t the first of my nieces to tell me this. As my husband and I made the painful decision to end fertility treatments, several of my other nieces expressed Lauren’s sentiment.

“Let me get this straight,” I’ve said to each of them. “If we had a baby and had a party for his or her baptism, no one would come?” I paused. “How about birthday parties? No one?” I chuckled.  

“Yup. That’s right,” they all said. “If you had children, you would be distracted and never have time for us. So, in the end, it worked out.”

Distraction

I couldn’t argue with that. If I had my own children my attentions undoubtedly would be divided.

As my husband and I labored to come to terms with failed fertility treatments, the children in our lives knew how to provide comfort. Conversely, well-intentioned adults often struggled to find the best way to offer support.

National Infertility Awareness Week

Infertility is a complex issue the dimensions of which even those undergoing treatment don’t fully comprehend. But what we do know is that certain things people do or say are helpful and others miss the mark. Sadly, like many who grieve, the job of educating our loved ones on how they can be supportive, falls squarely on our shoulders.

In honor of National Infertility Awareness Week I encourage aunties battling with infertility to take this opportunity to share with their loved ones how they can be helpful. In my practice, I have witnessed the reparative value doing so has on the strained relationships infertility leaves in its wake.

Suggestions

For the loved ones of those suffering from infertility, here are some tips on what to avoid and a suggestion of how you can be sensitive.

Avoid the temptation to say, “Just relax!” This implies blame. Trust me, we are good at blame all on our own.

Asking “Why don’t you just adopt?” Adoption is a gift beyond measure for those who feel called to it, but it is not a panacea for the desire to conceive, birth and raise a biological child.

Please understand when we pass on baby showers, birthday parties and christenings. Sometimes we need time to lick our wounds.

A Gentle Presence

So what is helpful? My favorite suggestion comes courtesy of Henri Nouwen, a renowned priest, author, and respected professor. He said:

“When we honestly ask ourselves which persons in our lives mean the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving much advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a gentle and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is the friend who cares.”

Aunties, if you or someone you love has been touched by the despair of infertility, I invite you to participate in this week’s efforts to raise awareness about an often-misunderstood condition. People want to help they just aren’t always sure how to do so effectively.

I encourage my nieces to ask for what they need. Aunties, we need to do the same.

To all those dealing with infertility, know you are not alone.

Stephanie Baffone, LPCMH, NCC  is an expert on love & loss.